First of all I apologize for being away for so long. I have a list of all of the typical excuses and business of everyday, but really I let myself fall into a false sense of security and accomplishment. I failed to acknowledge that while I may have won the battle, the war is many years and battles from over. I failed to make my voice (figuratively) loud enough for Keaton's help to stick. I failed my son.
After discovering Keaton's limitations regarding his vision (see Book Four), and obtaining a 504 plan and intervention, and his teacher going above and beyond, and his reading improving, I allowed myself to be lulled. I, in a fit of denial, let myself believe we were on a road straight to Keaton's hidden potential. Then we came face to face with our most recent adversary- the second grade! What I failed to realize and where my biggest misstep lay is in letting the 504 become my security blanket. I have been clinging to this piece of paper, this trophy, this hard won prize. I let my guard down.
Tonight I am riding the wave of the pity party I am throwing for myself and my failings as a mother. Tomorrow, I hop back on my horse and ride back into the fray. I want to play the blame game. I desire a public forum in which I can point the finger at each person I feel has let my child down, pushed him aside, left him behind. I know it is unproductive. I know it is immature. I know it won't make Keaton's road any easier. I know it won't help him, but for tonight reason does not live here. Tonight, I want to throw myself on the floor much like my three year old and kick and scream until someone makes it all better. I have no sage words, no inspiring story, no hero, and no answers.
I have no shortage of educators in my family - Aunts, cousins, my mother, I , myself, am considering a return to school to enter the education field, I have nothing but respect for the profession- the calling- to educate others. It is not an easy road and each year brings a class full of new challenges. Funding and time and accessibility - bureaucracy- throwing roadblocks in front of what should be simple. It hurts that I feel I am at a point where I have to look at them as the opposition. It tears me apart that I feel backed into a corner. What hurts worse however was the look on my sons face when he casually picked up the progress report I had been so carefully keeping from his view and after all of his hard work at home and school, seeing English grades that do not reflect his progress. Watching his resolve shrivel, his determination topple, and his confidence disappear.
So nearing the end of my drowning of sorrows I must steel my resolve, place my determination to the sticking place, and muster every ounce of confidence I can and enter the arena. "Once more into the breech dear friends" !!!! I have to leave tonight behind. Squeeze out or abandon all the bitching and whining and tears. I have to regroup and refocus because it is upon me- The next Battle has begun and I have no intention of losing.
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